Fuck cancer

April 2022

I can only speak for myself, and I’ve been told more than once my brain’s a bit wonky, but “fuck cancer” isn’t how I feel about having stage 3 rectal cancer. Saying “fuck cancer” isn’t for me, someone who has it. It’s for those who don’t.

I’m weak and fatigued AF, have a shaved head, and I’m repeatedly humbled by the dumb ass attempts at sentences I hear coming out of my mouth. 

I’m not a fan of that little, fucking tumor. I’m going to do everything I can to annihilate the asswad. I cried a hella lot the week I was diagnosed. I had no answers. Only the word “cancer.” And this time, it was something I have. I have rectal cancer.

There are some things in life you just can’t skip. Can’t go around, over, or under. The only way forward is through. 

After I shared the cancer news with my family, my niece, Jessica, who’s about 5 years younger than I am, sent me a bracelet  It has sparkly pink and onyx beads, interspersed with silver ones. In the middle are silver letter cubes spelling out “STRENGTH.”

I put it on and shot her a thank-you text. Honestly, at the time, it had little meaning to me. Not much different than “fuck cancer.” I was numb. Numb. Numb. Numb.

Then she pinged me back.

“Not sure if you remember this, but when Reilly was born (her oldest daughter) I was utterly terrified.”

I remember my sister calling me that day, crying, "I need to talk to mommy.” Jessica had given birth to a baby girl, but some of the baby’s organs were outside her body when they should’ve been inside.

“You sent me a bouquet of flowers, and the card had just one word, “STRENGTH.” I received lots of cards, but yours is the only one that stayed in my heart. 24 years later, it’s my turn to return the favor. I love you to pieces.”

Strength. 

I don’t remember the card. It means everything to me that Jess does. And returned the favor.

I have cancer. Fuck cancer--yeah. But strength. Strength is a gift. One I can carry with me when I need it most.

Me with cancer haircut and strength bracelet
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8 IV chemo treatments, 2 weeks apart

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Your oncology team… Are they any good?